- I've never been on a first date sober. You're probably thinking "hang on, what about when you were a teenager?" Yeah, let's get something straight. I was a nerd in high school. To be a smart, confident fifteen year old girl is, apparently, not particularly attractive to the kind of fifteen year old boys that take you on dates. Or at least it wasn't back in the 1990s. So I used to drink and act dumb, and then boys were interested. Cue vicious cycle that leads to me being thirty-something and always getting drunk before/during first dates.
- I've never intentionally flirted with a guy I like sober. I'm a god-awful flirt. You know that "I will seduce you with my awkwardness" meme? It could have been written about me. I've probably accidentally flirted with guys when sober, and been totally and completely unaware of it. But if I like a guy I've always needed some booze to loosen me up enough to fake some sort of confidence and flirt with him.
- As far as sex... Well, I HAVE had sex sober. But I've never been sober the first time I've slept with someone. The idea of being completely sober and having sex with someone for the first time makes me feel terrified. And a little bit queasy.
- I've also never had any of those "important conversations" sober. I mean relationship conversations. I am hugely uncomfortable with emotions, vulnerability, feelings... Hence the whole using alcohol to mask these issues. Anyway, whenever I've had to have one of those "what is this, where do you see it going, etc" conversations, I've gotten tanked. To think I might have to have emotional conversations where I lay all my vulnerabilities out in front of someone... honestly, I could vomit thinking about it.
The thing is, I can do similar things in my professional life without a drink. I spend my days meeting new, important people and convincing them to continue investing in the organisation I work for. I walk into high powered meetings and sell myself and my employer on a regular basis to incredibly high powered individuals and companies. I discuss delicate circumstances and issues with what I hope is finesse and confidence. But if it's about me, well forget it. I panic and clam up, or drink and say the wrong thing, or talk to the point of insanity about anything else to avoid the possibility of getting hurt or being exposed and defenceless.
And the idea that I'm going to have to do this forever and ever more scares me more than the idea of not having a beer again.
